My new book, 1000 Years of Annoying the French, is coming soon, and soon I'll be posting a big self-publicizing news item about it (including some reading dates), but meanwhile there's a review in the new English-language newspaper, The French Paper. Here's their website if you want more info: http://thefrenchpaper.com
On Wednesday 17 February I'll be giving a talk and a reading, in French, at the Parvis 3 cultural centre in Pau. It starts at 6pm local time. For more info, call 05 59 80 80 89.
Here is another half hour of chat from the shows I recorded with Katia and Kylie a few days ago. Here I talk about my upcoming readings, and reveal even more about the new book – for example, the French snobbery that caused them to lose the Battle of Agincourt, how the Brits lost Calais because of an addiction to beer, the real reason why Joan of Arc was burnt, and some more recent clashes, right up to the gaffes committed during the Sarkozy-Bruni state visit to Windsor Castle ...
I just did a radio interview with a difference, for a programme called En Sol Majeur, which means "in G major" but is also a pun because "sol" can mean ground or land – in this case, the place the interviewee comes from. The station is RFI, the French equivalent of the BBC's World Service, and they're very interested in roots and different cultures. For any Brits out there, the programme is the equivalent of Desert Island Discs, and I was invited to choose six records. I must warn anyone who's thinking of listening in that one of them is a French comedy song about a man who tries to take a correspondence course in tennis, and another is a song I wrote and played myself. You have been warned. You can hear the repeat of the two-part programme by going to the links below and clicking on the little headphones icon just above my photo on each page:
http://www.rfi.fr/contenu/20100104-1-stephen-clarke
http://www.rfi.fr/contenu/20100104-2-stephen-clarke
My new book, 1000 Years of Annoying the French, is coming out on March 18. For anyone who is interested to know what REALLY happened to Joan of Arc, why America would be l'Amérique if the French hadn't threatened a cow, and why we owe the signing of the Entente Cordiale to Parisian prostitutes. And the funniest thing is, it's all true.
Here's the web radio interview I mentioned the other day. In half an hour of relaxed chat, we talk about French efficiency (yes, you did read that correctly), the secrets surrounding the first self-published edition of A Year in the Merde, and I give away a few things about my new book, 1000 Years of Annoying the French.
I have been invited to do a radio show that is filmed while it's being recorded (I don't know much about technology but I thought that was called a "TV show" ?). Anyway, it's about expat life in France and is called the Katia and Kyliemac show, and to be honest I have absolutely no idea what to expect, except that they warned me to have an allergy shot before going because there's some kind of wild animal in the studio (the DJ perhaps?). If you want to watch me get mauled (or at least break out in allergy blisters) live on air, you can do so from around 3pm French time on Saturday 30 January at this link:
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Here's my Happy 2010 card, an exclusive glimpse at a never-before-revealed panel of the Bayeux Tapestry, embroidered at the end of the 11th century, shortly after the Norman Conquest. If you have a close look, you'll see why the Normans have tried to suppress it for almost a millennium. Dan Brown should write a book about it (though I hope he won't release it the same week as one of mine).
Anyway, I wish all you people out there on our little planet an excellent last few days of 2009 and an excellent 2010, or whatever numbers are on your calendar, Stephen
I'll be doing a reading at the Abbey Bookshop on 11 December. Haven't decided what to read yet. Maybe something from the new book I've just finished, even though it won't be out until March. It's a history book and it's going to be called 1000 Years of Annoying the French, so you might be able to guess what it's about. Anyway, the Abbey is at 29 la rue de la Parcheminerie, 75005 Paris, tel: 01 46 33 16 24. Oh yes, the time – 8pm. There will apparently be mulled wine to keep everyone warm, that's if the pre-Christmas spirit isn't enough.
I'll be doing an interview in French on a London-based web radio station, Connexion.fm. I have no idea what it'll be about, so tune in and find out with me on Tuesday 1 December at 8.15pm UK time, 9.15pm French time (sorry, but other time zones will have to work it out for themselves). Here's the link : www.connexion.fm
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Here I am on France 24, talking about the prices in French restaurants which were meant to come down after VAT was reduced, but have generally stayed the same. Who's got all the money? Well, the lovely French co-guest on this show tries to explain. He has a very strong accent that I occasionally had problems understanding (to help you, "law" becomes "lo"), but he makes a valiant effort to broadcast his message to the English-speaking world. He didn't convince me that we're not being ripped off, but he's definitely worth a listen. http://www.france24.com/en/20091125-vat-rates-senate
On October 20 I will be going to the British Embassy – not to ask for a visa for my North Korean personal chef, nor to ask if they can retouch my passport photo, but to take part in a fundraising evening. Yes, I'm doing charidee work now (and showing my age by using Harry Enfield references). Six authors, including my good friend Heather Stimmler-Hall, author of Naughty Paris, will be talking about their experiences of living in France, and hopefully raising some money for the SOS Help helpline, which provides support for ex-pats in distress. The evening will be hosted by the charming Lady Westmacott, the Ambassador's wife, whom I once met in a hotel in the Dordogne. It's not exactly what you think, but to get the full story you'll have to come along to the evening on October 20, at 6.30pm at the British Embassy Residence, 39 rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré, 75008 Paris. Tickets are 45 euros, for a good cause.
See http://www.soshelpline.org/events.html for more details.
Here's a short interview shot while I was sitting outside a friendly English bookshop in Valbonne, near Antibes, signing books, drinking rosé and chatting to passers-by. A very pleasant way to spend a morning. For me, anyway. And in case anyone is worried about bad examples, I didn't start drinking the rosé till about 11.30am. Before that it was strictly coffee and water.
I'm going to be doing a short (too short) tour of the Côte d'Azur from 25-27 June, giving readings in some English-language bookshops. I'll be talking about my latest novel, Dial M for Merde, which is set down south, and probably answering one or two indiscreet questions. I also hope to sign a few books, and I expect the bookshop owners hope so, too, otherwise they'll have printed their posters for nothing, which wouldn't be very ecological. So in fact you owe it to the planet to come along.
The dates and venues: Thur 25 June, 2.30pm Heidi's Bookshop Antibes ; Friday 26 June 10am-1pm English Book Centre, Valbonne ; Saturday 27 June 5pm-6.30pm Cat's Whiskers, Nice.
On Sunday 21 June, I'll be speaking at this book festival just outside Nottingham. They're having a French day, which is very open-minded of them, and have invited me to try and explain why. I'll be in the Village Hall from 11.30-1pm, and the only bad news is that you have to pay £6 (which all goes to the festival, not moi, I should add). Anyway that's only about 5p a minute, so it's not much more expensive than an average parking metre, and I don't know many parking metres that will talk to you about living in France. Even Parisian parking metres aren't interested in any conversation beyond "pay now" and "you're out of time." Here's the festival link in case you're interested: http://www.lowdhambookfestival.co.uk/clarke.php
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A short TV discussion programme (in English) about Johnny Hallyday and the sheer Frenchness of French culture. Here's the link :
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The translation of Talk to the Snail is out, entitled Français Je Vous Haime. In case you don't know the French verb "haimer", don't worry, because it doesn't exist. It's a pun, combining "aimer" (which we all know) with "haine" or hatred. So it (quite cleverly, I think) means that I "love/hate" the French, although hate is going a bit far. But then, so is love for that matter. Anyway, I've adapted the text for France because some of it would have been too obvious to them, but the French translation is still a goodly-sized poison apple with the antidote in the core if that makes any sense. Lots of things teasing the French, but also plenty praising them, some of which the French don't actually agree with (for example, they hate the suggestion that a lack of manic food hygiene is good for the bowels). Anyway, if any of you have French friends or colleagues you'd like to tease a little, be my guest... You can get it at amazon.fr and fnac.com, for example.
I am the subject of a thesis, which is very flattering. Or rather my novel Merde Happens is. An Italian linguist called Ilaria Montagni has written a study on the difficulties of translating a comedy novel into Italian, and all the fun you can have doing it. Even if you don't speak Italian (which is my own case), it's fascinating. Largely because it's been translated into English so I can actually read it. It's followed by an interview I did with Ilaria, giving my own ideas (also in English, of course) on how to translate jokes. It's all here : http://www.immi.se/intercultural/
On 31 March I'll be in London to talk at the launch of a new book, City-Lit Paris for which I've written the introduction, a three-page piece about how everyday life in Paris never really changes. I'll be "in conversation", as they say, with the book's publisher, and talking about the city that has inspired such writers as Orwell, Proust, Julian Barnes, oh and myself. Here are the practical details - do come along to listen, get some books signed, and even receive a free glass of wine. I'm guessing French.
Daunt Books, 158 – 164 Fulham Road, London SW1O 9PR, tel 0207 373 4997, Tuesday 31 mars, 2009, 6.30 – 8.30pm.
For more details about the book, look here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Paris-City-Lit-Heather-Reyes/dp/0955970008/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1234288076&sr=8-1
Two upcoming readings:
April 30, 8pm at my old hangout the Abbey Bookshop, 29 rue de la Parcheminerie, 75005 Paris, tel 01 46 33 16 24 for details. Witn any luck it'll be warm enough to do the talk outside.
I'll be at the Comédie du Livre festival in Montpellier on 22-23 May. The theme of this year's festival is Spanish literature, so maybe I've been invited as an English lager lout. I'll have to get myself some sunburn and a Manchester United t-shirt. I'll be on the Book In Bar stand, and if I do a reading I guarantee it won't be in Spanish because I don't know any verbs. Like any good English tourist, my vocabulary is limited to cerveza and patatas fritas.
Hasta la vista.
In the April issue of France Mag you'll be able to find the first of my new columns with the somewhat ambitious title How to Be French. It won't be about how to become eligible for the French rugby team, it will give hints on how to adapt to life in France if you want to get on here, instead of waiting (in vain) for France to change. The first column is about a magic word that, even if you don't speak any other French at all, will work wonders.
For more details, see the magazine's website at www.francemag.com.
On Sunday 15 February I will be giving a talk in Paris, at one of Patricia Laplante-Collins's dinners, or rather salons, because apparently Patricia's is a place where people get together to chat, have a glass of wine and something to eat, and then listen to writers and musicians and suchlike do their thing. In case anyone wants to see me do my thing, they should come along at 6.30pm to 13 rue de Mulhouse, 75002 Paris. Patricia asks for a 20 euro participation to cover wine and dinner, and to reserve vie her website: www.parissoirees.com
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Just got the Chinese edition of A Year in the Merde, and inserted inside it is a map of paris that seems to chart Paul's progress across the city from one dog turd to the next. Pop art? Poop art.
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I'll be doing two pre-Christmas readings down in the south of France, at the Book In Bar shops. December 17 Aix, December 18 Montpellier. They start at 5.30pm. Here's the link for the addresses : http://www.bookinbar.com/Book%20In%20Bar%20Contact.htm
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Just got a great pic from Russia - a scan of the nonfiction charts there. Talk to the Snail, written by a certain Ctepah Knapk, has just come out in Russian, and is at number eight. I didn't know snails could climb so fast.
PS Interesting to know that the Russian for "non-fiction" is "non-fiction".
Using all my limited skills with Imovie, I've improved the sound quality of the short film in which I am verbally harassed by a lady who looks like Carla Bruni, and I've posted the new version on YouTube. You should now be able to hear to the dialogue, even though it's not exactly deafening. Here's the link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KOPB8745Dw
A friend (a real one, whom I see in the flesh, not a virtual entity that I prod or poke or whatever) tells me that I am on Facebook, that I have a page and regularly post messages, reply to messages on my wall and get poked or prodded or whatever. But I don't, unless I signed up in my sleep or something. It's not moi. I haven't looked, but apparently the person "representing" me in Facebookworld is very nice and says good things about the books, so I don't want to emit too much negativity, but please be aware that if you want to write to me or poke me or whatever, you need to do so via this website's address, contact@stephenclarkewriter.com.
I'll be reading from my new novel, Dial M for Merde, at the Abbey Bookshop, rue de la Parcheminerie, 75005 Paris, at 8pm on Friday November 7. If it's not raining and there are no glaciers migrating down the street, the reading will be outside, otherwise it'll be indoors and there's so little space you might need to bring a trapeze so you can hang from the ceiling. I'll be signing books afterwards, or even before if you can't be bothered to hear me read what you're about to read for yourself.
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I have been asked to make the following declaration. Please be sure to watch this 30-second film before reading, or even opening, my new novel Dial M for Merde.
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I was in a Parisian park, getting ready to film my short message about Dial M for Merde, when an unknown woman came up and started bawling me out about the novel. Well, I say she was unknown, but I think she might have been very well known indeed ...
Have a look. We hadn't set up completely, so the sound on this clip isn't great. I'll try to improve it.
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A few events have been scheduled for when I come over to the UK to plug Dial M for Merde:
Monday 8 Sept, noon, literary lunch at Calcot Manor in the Cotswolds. It's a spa so you can go and have a massage if I get too boring.
Tuesday 9 Sept, 6pm, Borders bookshop in York. Tickets are £2 but are redeemable if you buy a book. One of mine, that is. I hope.
Wednesday 10 Sept, 7pm, Beaconsfield Library. Support your local library. Or even your non-local one if you want to come along from elsewhere.
Thursday 11 Sept, 6.30pm, Waterstone's in Cambridge. This seems to be the only event that has a finishing time – 8pm – maybe to reassure literature dons that they'll be back at high table in time for dinner.
Friday 12 Sept, 8pm, Emirates Stadium, London, a full reading of the novel performed by Hugh Grant, with U2 and Coldplay as support acts.
Spot the fake event.
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I haven't got my hands on the actual book yet, but I've seen the cover, which is fun (look out for the strategically placed snorkel), and I've just finished correcting the proofs – the last amendment being a legal disclaimer along the lines of "how dare anyone allege that this novel makes fun of the current French President". You can read all about it in the "Books" section of the website. Meanwhile, I'll be over in the UK to do some readings in the second week of September. The only firm date so far is the Witney Book Festival on the 6th. (Er, which, writing a week later, has just been called off. So that's not "firm" in the "firm" sense of the word "firm". Sad, I love book festivals.)
This seems to be my year of nominations – one of my travel articles about America has been nominated for a Visit USA Media Award. I'm not sure which one, but I suspect it's one of the road trips I did while researching Merde Happens, either the long drive along Carolina's aptly-named Outer Islands in search of fishermen who speak with Cornish accents, or the trek across Florida when I found a gun and had a car crash. Well, on second thoughts it's more likely to be the Carolina trip. Even though the car crash was fun, and everyone was much more laid-back and Floridian than they would have been in Paris. You can probably find both articles on the timesonline.co.uk website.
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Merde Happens has been shortlisted for the Melissa Nathan Award. It's an excellent award, set up in honour of the writer of the same name who died of cancer in 2006. She conceived the criteria for the prize herself, and wanted to reward writers who "combine in a novel the magical, life-enhancing moments of humour and love". I'd never thought of Paul West's emotional stumblings like this, but I am hugely pleased to be nominated for a prize for being "life-enhancing" – you can't ask for more from a novel. The funny thing is that I'm the only male nominee, chosen moreover by an all-female jury. It's like being the only bloke invited to a hen party – a great honour, but a little scary. More seriously, reading Melissa's criteria for the award struck a real chord. On the website (see the link below), she is quoted as saying that: "Sharing a sense of humour with someone, laughing out loud at a joke in a book – these are moments of pure connection." It's the thing that people most often say to me in their e-mails – how good it felt to laugh out loud at a book. And the laughs are what I remember most from my favourite books, like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams RIP). The award ceremony is on June 18, hosted by stand-up Jo Brand, who is apparently quite nice to men these days. So fingers, toes, kidneys and various other bits crossed ...
Just in case anyone out there is interested, I've now finished the next novel, and it's being typeset. It's a spoof thriller set in the south of France, where I spent a large part of the autumn, and it's called Dial M for Merde. Here's a short excerpt:
"Bonjour."
Well I did say it was short. The rest will be out in September.
I've been invited to the Comédie du Livre book festival in Montpellier, and will be signing books (I hope) at the Book In Bar stand. With any luck, the emphasis will be on the "bar" and the rosé will be flowing, though I can't guarantee that, so it might be a case of bring a book and a bottle (chilled, please. The bottle, that is. The book should be room temperature). I have also been asked to take part in a "round table" on the theme "The French Experience" (followed by a very long French subtitle) on the Sunday at 4pm at the Salle Molière. I hope to find out where that is before 4pm on Sunday June 1. Meanwhile, click here to see the full title of the debate:
http://comediedulivre.montpellier.fr/pages/?page=349&id_page=1196
I'll be talking and signing books at this weekend festival of Anglo-Dordognesque co-operation in Périgueux on April 4 and 5. Here's a link that might explain what I'm talking about:
I'll be signing books (my own, I hope) at the Paris Book Fair, on the Robert Laffont stand - G56 - on Sunday 16 March at 2pm. You can bring your English books along, too, of course, or anything you want signed so you can sell it on eBay.
Anyone who can understand German, or my mangled brand of it, which sounds like an illiterate Frenchman trying to speak Bavarian, might like to come along to my event at the Leipzig Book Festival. It's happening at Lehmanns Buchhandlung, at 20:15 Uhr, on the 12th of Marz.
The festival's bookshop bills it like this: "der Bestsellerautor und Franzosenversteher erklärt in witzigen, informativen und ernsthaft brauchbaren Lektionen, wie man die Weihen der französischen Lebensart erlangt."
I couldn't have put it better myself.
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You can see me freezing half to death on French TV during this hour-long interview, filmed just before Christmas, outdoors in a garden during an Arctic windstorm. (It's probably as a tribute to my survival skills that the website calls me "Docteur" in the attached photo.) I was wearing every piece of clothing I own, but the poor presenter was kitted out in a sexy tight leather jacket, suffering, as the French say, to be beautiful. It's an interview about the publication of God Save les Françaises, the translation of Merde Actually. You can see it here: http://limousin-poitou-charentes.france3.fr/emissions/30036019-fr.php
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On Friday January 18, I'll be doing a reading in London at a French bookshop called Au Fil des Mots, at 19 Bute Street, South Kensington, in the French ghetto near the V&A. I'll be reading from God Save les Françaises, the newly released translation of Merde Actually, and signing whatever people ask me to sign. Within reason, of course.
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I'll be talking about the pleasures of life amongst the French, and then signing books, on Friday, Saturday and Sunday 18-20 January at this year's France Show at Olympia, London. The talks will be from 11-11.30am, followed by signing from 12-2pm, on the Siblu stand, number B3. Here's how to get to the France Show: http://www.thefranceshow.com/find-us.aspx. Entrance to the event is £8.
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This is moi in my role as a roving reporter for a new French TV programme called Johnny Saucisson. It'll be on Canal + from 24-28 December at 6.15pm French time. I'm one of five Anglo-Americans who were sent out with film crews to "discover" France. Amongst other things, I met the French MPs' pétanque club (and beat them at their own game), talked to a Parisian health inspector who explained why it is good to live with bacteria, and interviewed members of the Académie Française who are putting together the official dictionary of the French language, and who have only got as far as the letter P. So officially, no French words beyond that actually exist. Zut alors.
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The French translation of Merde Actually is out! It's only taken them two and a bit years. Most of that was taken up designing the woman's shoes on the cover. Worth the wait, I'd say.